Long time no write. I have been so blasted busy these last couple months and I have been so busy blogging on my beauty blog, I neglected this blog. I dont really know how many of you actually read this blog but i really need to write and this place was my first thought. I used to have journal but I can't seem to sit down and write anymore so it sits on my desk and collects dust. One of the major reason I have not blogged over here in a while is because of some personal problems I have been dealing with that won't seem to fade away.
At this point in time I am dealing with alot of conflicted feelings regarding two males. Yes, I say males. One of said males is/used to be a good friend. He moved here a while back and we really hit it off. We hung out, went to movies, went for coffee, we really had a time. Ofcourse, being me, I developed feelings for him but decided to keep them to myself in fear of ruining a perfectly good friendship. As time passed, I began to see traits in him that (to me) refelcted feelings of a romantic nature. I went through all the senerios in my head and came to the conclusion that he may have a little crush on me. That being siad, I am not the kind of person to think someone likes me unless I get a strong sense that they do. Anyways, I decided to let him in on my secret. Unfortunatly, due to the numerous times I have experienced heartache, I could not do it. Everytime I tried, nothing would come out. I even went through the whole 'I'll show him with my actions' phase, but that never seemed to go the way i wanted it to. I began to get quite irritable due to the fact that he would open up to me about other girls. It bothered me, obvously. I thought maybe he is talking about other girls because he really doesn't get my feelings. I never flirted, maybe he just thought I never felt that way. I decided to put this task into someone elses hands. So, I recruited my elder sister, we will call her Jenna. I waited and waited to hear from her and when I finally did, things didn't go the way I planned. He had basically told Jenna that he didn't understand why I would feel like he liked me and that he felt uncomfortable hanging around me now. He has not spoken to or texted me since. I think what bothers me most is, not the fact that he didn't like me back, but the fact that he would throw our friendship away like that. I mean, I liked him for a year and never made anything awkward. I don't really understand why things have to be awakward now, we are adults. I am deeply hurt.
On to the other fella...This dude has become the douche who comes back for more in my books. I met this guy about 3 years ago now through a friend. When I first met him I was not super attracted to him. He was a typical nerdy looking guy. Tall, thin, glasses. I think what attacted me was the fact that he wasn't typical and that he seemed to be interested in talking to me. Over the few years, I became more and more attracted but he never seemed to want to make a relationship of it. He would talk about other girls and sort of put me on the back burner. One day at a party, we danced together for the first time and then he proceeded to tell my sister Jenna that he liked me but he wanted me to make the first move. Jenna comes running to me and tells me this. She convinces me to let my walls down and tell him how I feel. The next day we text and I proceed to confess my feelings and reveal what he said to Jenna. He brushed the whole thing off as a drunken stooper and then tells me to 'go with the flow'. To this day, I still dont understand what he meant. Since then I have seemed to be in a rotation of girls and hear from him once every 2 months. My friends, family and co-workers have deemed him a jerk and can't stand his sight. But recently he contacted me wanting to hang out and I agreed. I have not made definate arrangements but we shall see. After telling everyone fearfully and getting alot of slack for saying yes, the romantic in me wants to know what he wants now and maybe he has changed.
Among these romance issues, I have been going through something emotionally and it is making life difficult. Even just hearing a slightly sad story, I tear up. I really wish I could explain these emotions but it is difficult. I have also had a hard time saying 'no' recently. As you can see from the story above, I had no problem saying 'yes' to the douche in my life. I also signed up for a gym membership, even when it was obvious I was being slightly scammed. Something is not right. On top of my emotional issues, I have been stressing about my finances. I am really trying to get out of this hole I am in. It's scarey. If I could give on piece of finacial advice to someone, I would say, don't get a credit card when you are a teenager and on top of that, don't get a SECOND credit card when your a teenager. You are asking for it. I am paying for it now, big time, I am in a mess now and my credit is tarnished big time. I know I will fix it one day but it's going to take work.
Anyways, thats my update. Thanks for reading.
Love Sarah
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